Struggling with Self Doubt

This is a different kind of post for me, I've not sat down before and just written about something personal, something I'm struggling with. To be honest I'm not the sort of person who shares the thing's that are going on inside my head. I'm a bit of a bottler ...

 

I really, really struggle with self doubt. I've always been creative, but over the last few years my doubt and fear has become a really controlling part of my creative process. It's gotten so bad now that it's leaking out into every aspect of my life. I doubt everything! 

 

I've been coming back to the post over and over this last week, it started off as a total meltdown, but now I'm rewriting it for the third time, I'm seeing it with a bit more perspective and understanding.

It's fear! Fear of being wrong, fear of not being good enough. Shooting myself and my ideas down before they actually physically exist!

 

I don't remember being so afraid to put myself out there when I was younger, but somewhere along the lines; those nasty little voices in the back of my head that told me I wasn't good enough, started getting louder. I know I'm quite a critical person, I can be a bit of a perfectionist and a control freak when it comes to anything creative and visual. But instead of driving me forward, it's starting to pull me down. I'm afraid to attempt my ideas for the fear of my own critical voices.

 

I'm going into my second year of my Illustration degree in September and I already know I don't want to be the one standing in my own way! I don't want to ever feel like I could have done better but I was afraid to go for it! And I enjoy blogging! But I have the same voices holding my back from posting as much as I would like. I want to change this, and start right now!

 

I'm not really sure how best to go about changing the way I feel, this is really just the beginning.

But even if no one reads this, just having gone through the process from draft one to posting this now; I already feel like I have a more positive outlook for what's ahead. I'm ready to improve my confidence, not be afraid to unleash my full creativity and banish those voices so far to the back of my mind I never hear them again!

 

Life Update, 70's Off The Shoulder & Pining for Japan

Blue Floral Gypsy Crop Top, Black Fedora, Tan Salt Water Sandals

Black Ripped Jeans, Tan Fringed Bag

Um, yes ... a month since my last post. Blogging fail! I didn't intend to take a months hiatus, but moving house is SOO time consuming. Me and my bf Carl are now recognisable regulars at our local Homebase and B&Q! So ... many ... paint ... samples! 

Moving into the house has been so much fun, and I've been working on a couple of out of the blue projects. Doing all the visual design work for a cycling project in my local area and a food photography commission for the bakery I used to work in. Both have involved me learning/making it up as I go along, but it's been fun to say yes to things I didn't think I could do (and have them turn out pretty decent if I do say so myself)

My desk in the house is still a work in progress; although hopefully it will be done soon and then it's time to knuckle down to my summer illustration project and jump back on the blogging train! Yay!

Anyway, on to today's 'What I Wish I Was Wearing Today' (mm WIWIWWT?? Can I make this a thing) I'm currently still in my pyjamas and Carl's dressing gown btw ha! ... The first official day of summer is here and it's warm enough now for me to consider going shopping for some summer appropriate attire. Didn't think I'd be feeling any of the 70's trend but I am in LOVE with off the shoulder floaty tops, fringing and hats. Yes Mum, you heard right! (Ah, so much of my childhood consisted of her trying to get me to wear effing hats)
But I'm officially on the hunt for my perfect fedora. Also a strapless bra ... the only downside to all these off the shoulder tops if your a bit bigger in the boob department.

One item from this look I do own as of last month, and have been wearing every day since they arrived are my Salt Water sandals. Last summer it was all about my Birkenstocks, which I still adore to the ends of the earth, but right now the spotlight is on these new tan leather beauties. Comfy, cute and a little retro looking with some rolled up jeans. I'm in love!

This month has also been the month of picking back up with my Japanese. I went on a trip to Japan in 2009 (can't believe it was that long ago!) with my family to visit a University friend of my Mum's who lives there. So started my love affair of the country. Since then I've on and off tried learning the language with out much success. But after seeing Carrie of wishwishwish's posts of her travels there, her guide to tokyo; Lisa Eldridge's Japanese makeup look and discovering the adorable Hayley Miller, a teacher on the JET program in Japan; it's all rekindled my love and passion for the country, culture and the language. I was totally obsessed with Japan when I got back from our trip over 5 years ago (All my A level Art and Textiles project's were inspired by Japan) but at the time I didn't have any friend's who shared my interests in Anime, cute Gyaru girls and sushi. I wish I'd had, pardon my English, the ball's to peruse my passion for Japan then and looked for opportunities maybe to study at higher education (I didn't even suspect or consider this until meeting student's learning Japanese at my university last year) But now I'm a bit older and so much more confident in myself I'm determined to pick up learning the language again. And start saving for another trip there asap ...

Bye Bye Student Hall's, Hello New House

Well hi there, it's been a while!
I have been very MIA this last month, thing's have been a bit up in the air to say the least.
April was a busy month of traveling between home and university; with Easter holiday, deadlines, exams, birthdays and saw the end of my first year as an Illustration student! Yay!
Overall it's been good, tough, but good. I like to think of it as a warm up year. I've had encouraging feedback on my work and already I can see how far I've come since last September.
I was so so relieved to leave my student hall's. I sort of exited with my middle finger up shouting something like "Outta here, bitcheeeesss!". Living away from home and especially my boyfriend was really the hardest part. I think we've been made stronger for the last 8 months, and it's helped me figure out what I really want in life right now.
And now were living together again! It was all such a whirl wind, my boyfriend deciding to get his own place and going through the whole house buying process. Timing could not have been more perfect as he got the keys the week of my last project deadline.
It's been wonderful moving in, starting to decorate and seeing the house coming together bit by bit; but living with my best friend again is just the best part.
I'm SO excited to have this stretch of free time ahead of me to just be creative. I'm looking forward to being able to put my energies back into this blog, get some of my illustrative endeavours up and running and start work on some of the many projects I've got in mind for the house! So keep an eye on this space, it's going to get quite busy.

Anyone who's lived in shared university accommodation, I'm sure will appreciate the joy's of returning home or moving out to your own real world place. Such sweet simple pleasure's ...

• The kitchen is clean, and stay's clean; hallelujah!
• Nobody playing loud music, or having drunken parties till 5am when your trying to sleep.
• I have a nice garden to look out my window at, instead of a gloomy factory.
• Not being stuck, living in the same tiny room day in day out.
• My diet doesn't just consist of tuna pasta here.
• I don't have to be wrapped up in my duvet all day to keep warm; aah, heating that works.
• I have normal day time TV to watch (... I'll still probably choose Netflix tbh)